I wash my hands, but they might get dirty again

Grime on my hands from games I didn't play; that's how it feels when you have to wipe clean the dirt from other people's actions. Self-knowledge is a gift that comes from pain and discomfort; desperation and loneliness if there are feelings involved. Betrayal and abandonment when your heart is involved. 

Being alone last weekend made me realize so much, and made me think about everything I have let myself tolerate in the name of a love I'm not even sure exists any longer in you. 

I could see the patterns from isolating yourself from me, giving me crumbs in exchange of care, love and explanations. I saw my words and sentiments being turned against me. I saw the promises keeping me stuck with spiky chains around my neck. 

I finally understood you. 

You are deprived of emotional responsability. 

You are deprived of empathy, real empathy. 

You are deprived of honesty. 
I no longer know and trust your intentions.

art by Eliran Kantor

I am here, alone, and now I see and I know I am alone, now I see I have been dealing with all the consequences of your acts. Acts which you chose to do. Acts which I told you would hurt me and you needed to compensate. 

Instead, you said I was bad in bed. "Yes I reject you and it's your fault. Bye-bye, I'll have the weekend of my dreams with another man".

I washed my hands from your dirty work. 

I closed my heart to you; and if you don't move, if you don't fight for me, it'll be sealed forever. You will be casted out. 

My hands might get dirty again.