Slap

Knowing life is a circle I wonder where in it I am at the moment, going up or down. Hard to keep up with it. Something I have recently learned is that there is no such thing as safety when it comes to the heart matters - you think you can let your guard down, but doing so, you get another blow to the head. Pondering about this, we are getting blows all the time - no pun intended, that blow doesn't occur often. Yet we only seem to feel them when we let our guards down. 

I've always known that this world is a crazy place incremented with fear, pain and loathing. I have also always dreamed I would find someone who would be just as fearful as I am and join me in this journey to try and be safe, comfy. 

Fuckery. One of these mornings I caught myself thinking about some patterns in me and in him. Seems like he has been trying to conceal what he lives and what he craves. He craves for a life I'm not included as I am today. And it's all right, I guess. But...

It's always one thing after another.

First, I'm invisible. 

Then, I must understand the need for a colorless vision, turns out it was love not need;

And unreliable comrades.

10 o'cocks. 

The excluding individuality. 

Seemed to get it but didn't.

Barely six months of chaotic intersections, and...

Growth promised from both sides. No one forgotten. 

Care would be given. 

Arimatsu, Arimatsu, all over again. 

Then the avoidance of the den of desires;

how else could he aspire to what had been...?

Selfless goodbyes.... selfless goodbyes... selfless goodbyes... will.

Larger nets in mind that warmed my heart, just to find out the net was only for one.

Funny thing. Life has been anything but kind to us. Career growth, money, body-ody-ody.  It feels I'm the obstacle that would need removing by itself, the selfless action.

At a club with the lights and the drums making our heartbeats race in divinity, I offered him my words saying we had never been so good together, and he jokingly said he has indeed been satisfied with his career, his education and his body. He looked at me and laughed and I noticed he left a portion of satisfaction out, so I completed it for him like an idiot: and personally and... in love too, right? And he laughed it off. He laughed it off. 

His motives.

His deep loving feelings, targeted differently.

I understand,

I'm flawed and I don't blame him.

I don't see him as a bad guy.

I understand, I promise.

Up and down, it's still a slap.

Such slap in the face. Such slap!