The Last Letter

I live on my own since you're gone. But I still feel like you're watching over me. All your self-portraits normally quiet are quite disturbing now. Those so-called happy pictures are now sad, and it saddens all the rest. I try not to get snuggled when I see "those you" there. "Oh yeah" I nodded while looking at a picture we took when we travelled to London six years ago. I remember everything about it, mostly the desloyalty night we both had. What a calamity. We kind of broke up, I did, actually. I wouldn't bare the feeling of guilty. I started weeping whence the moment you started speaking. "I've got something to tell you, something I did". I cried out loud. Now I remember the innocence feeling I felt when I thought "what could possibly be worse than what I did?" And I cried even louder. I still see your confused frowns. "Nevermind" I said, and you grimaced. You sat down next to me and looked at me with a gloomy face. I still couldn't think about anything worse than desloyalty. "I fucked another woman four hours ago". I can feel it now, the same nothingness I felt that night, the nothingness of being betrayed while I was betraying you. Then you began to spill everything out, I can hear your voice right now "That's why I've brought you here, Angie. I'm not able to stand you and your insecurities anymore. Every night the same sadness, emptiness, I think you're kinda psycho or something". I could whisper a what the fuck and you answered "I have another woman now, a normal one. That's why I'm here. And I'm... an honest man and I decided to tell you everything". It started snowing when you finished killing me with words. I was feeling angry, the anger of a psycho, I remember I really wanted to be one when I told you the truth "You know Bill, don't you? The one who has a crush on me" You didn't seem to get me. "I fucking fucked him tonight". You didn't say a word. You looked terrified. "You're not the only one to be infamous" I really enjoyed saying that. You picked your things around and stepped next to the door. "Give it back" I required, and you did. You put the ring on my hand. And that was the last time I saw you as my husband. The sad conversations on the phone don't count. Even though I still see you're mad face, I keep taking a look to your self-portraits, the only place that can make sure you existed and that you belonged to me, and so your smile did. I left our former room, with some tears in my eyes. I tried to fight them back, but they insited in coming.
  Tomorrow is your birthday, and I don't know if I should call you and say something or ignore this fact again, like I did in those few passed years. I sort of know you are happy and have a great family, and I'm here alone with no even a cat, cause mine died last week. A fucking neighbour poisoned its food. Carl, you'll be fourty tomorrow. Lisa must be happy now, does she still fuck as good as years ago? I don't hope so, actually. I'm like starving for sex since you're gone, and I miss you. What a prestige it would be to spend your birthday with you, again. I'm looking for some weed now and there's none. What a fucking good night. Can't I be more pathetic? Feeling shit and lonelier than ever on your birthday's eve. But it isn't a news; and now I'm racking myself thinking about where you are, and whom you are with. I have a good news to tell you, Carl, I'm really a psycho now.
  I don't hate you Carl, I really don't. I hate Lisa and her children - yours as consequence - and the fact you're all still living together. I bought a gun, Carl. And I'm going to use it as soon as possible. And that's why I decided to call you... now. "Hello?" you said. I got oddly surly when I heard your voice, whatsoever, I liked listening to you. "Hi it's me". You didn't answer. "So?" you said. "Can I see you tomorrow? It's your birthday and I'm leaving town forever and it would be gre-" "What?" you interrupted me "Ok then, find me next to the same old square around five". You weren't on the phone anymore. I'd be finally able to end this all. Anxiety running my body like it has never done before. And this is it Carl, I'm really done now. I just talked to you on the phone and I'm going to see you, and I'm going to take my gun with me, just to surprise you. Nevermind, I won't hurt you, even if you felt hurt cause of me killing myself in front of you. Goodbye Carl, I love you. See ya tomorrow.




Angie.